i'll be your mirror

things have been nice. i am back to smiling candidly and laughing effortlessly.
the change?
i am trying to be the girl i used to be. the one with a pure heart.
i am trying to think positively in all that i can. and when i can't.. let it out then let it go.
i am trying to find beauty in everything. the simple, the complicated, the messy and the clean.
i am trying to find joy in all that i have.
a very foolish boy once said something very wise to me: if i could have anything in the world it would be satisfaction in what i already have. that way you don't need anything else.
i am trying to get right down to the very core of things.
i am trying to mend things. everything. i have all the determination in the world.



yesterday Madison and I visited the windmills. it was lovely. therapeutic.
it means everything to Madison.
we sat on the hillside for quite some time. the chilled wind rolled through my hair and down my body, rattling my bones as it descended. the warm sun beat down on our pale skin and i closed my eyes. i thought about everything. i miss you, i wish i had told you that.
it was some place i would have liked to go with you. you are the only one who takes interests in my little hideaways. you would have commented on how amazing it is that an invisible force moves those enormous windmills. i imagined if wind was colored. you could see it move through the wings before dissipating in all colors of the rainbow... and maybe even made up colors like "fru fru"



today was lovely. i decided to spend the day with my older sister. I've missed her.
her refuge is now that place up in the mountains, the boyfriends. i tagged along. it was wonderful.
I've always liked it there. warm, welcome. i love the smell. i love the dirt road. i love the trees.
"i want to show you something" she said.
we went on a four wheeler ride to an abandoned building, investigated. we drove fast, i loved it.
we made cheesecake. his parents sent us laughing on the floor. the same laugh, we had no idea.

that boy came. too polite for his own good, we made him stay for dinner.
we laughed; my alter ego is a girl who rides a motorcycle and owns a few more leather jackets. i wear much more jewelry and heavier eye makeup. also, i need a tattoo.