cleanup.

i visited my grandma tutu today.

she showed me lyrics i had written when i was 8 or 9. she saved them all these years. i read them, i was embarrassed. i hated them. i tried to hand the paper back but learned she wanted to frame them and give them to me for my birthday. i then tried to seem excited about those lyrics.

she worried and fussed over the kitchen. she worried and fussed over the crackers i was eating. she worried and fussed over cheese(of all things) she worried and fussed over the cake. over the food. over the chairs. over the calories. i put in my earphones and frosted the cake.

she talked with me. a somber expression covered her face.
"its sad to find out that after everything i've been through.. life is like this."
"what do you mean?"
"i can't do anything i want anymore. its too expensive to live. its hard to breathe. its hard to walk. if i want to stay up at night i can't even help but fall asleep. if i want to read a book my eyes don't work right. if i want to watch a movie no matter how hard i try... i can't stay awake." she cried.
"but isn't it supposed to make it better that you've lived a full life with so many experiences and memories? and now you have so much wisdom?" i asked
"i thought of that. and when i realized thats all i was left with i felt ripped off."
for a while we both stared at the floor. the future seemed bleak.

we didn't say anything for a while.

she asked me if i thought her hair looked alright.
i looked at her gray hair, pulled back. it seems like yesterday her hair was much much shorter. the gray hairs were much much fewer. but then again.. i've been gone for a while. "your hair is very pretty."
i pulled it back into a bun. catching the fly-away pieces.
its time to forgive.
and i do.

"i love you, lexi"
"i love you also."
its been a while.