winter skin

we walked across hot pavement, a man sitting on the curb a few feet away, smoking. the smoke waltzed around our feet as we walked. madison and I exchanged glances, i was fascinated. six bodies layed in a dark room, laughing. "is it possible that everything is true?" we fanned our faces as the stiffling summer air seeped in. we ate yellow submarines and strawberry fields. we tried calamari and created travesties. each day we filled our mouths with fresh berries and filled our stomachs with chai and coffee. our feet traveled down an endless staircase, constantly in synch.
click click click click click clack. we had a fiesta, sitting on the fire escape, delirious, laughing until our hearts were full. Peter made us dinner, passing plates out the window. we threw phones and rugs off that fire escape, liberating. we ate tacos from a taco stand. we sat on a curb, mouths sizzling. we picniced at the park, i caught olives in my teeth. we layed on our stomachs facing west and slept deeply. we found ourselves in the middle of a bum fight, later weighing down my heart. speakers raged, bodies swayed. madison and i punched eachother in the arm, as if hipsters were volkswagons. a man with a cross babbled about salvation "amen! hallelujah!" i called out throwing my arms into the air. taping woke me late one night, i opened the kitchen windown to find haeleigh on the fire escape soaking wet, sprinklers. i read her words aloud, my voice choking and my eyes watering but it felt nice to hear her voice. i talked, i finally talked. we melted to black leather seats. the music was loud, just what i needed. sound waves crashed into my body and traveled up my spine. the music and i became one. we laughed, we sang, bodies swayed with the beat. we held hands, running through the city. we commited small crimes. i waited on phone calls that never came. and then.. when the morning light poured in, i gave up.


i found myself spending my nights awake sketching on various surfaces. it felt nice. a pair of ragedy shorts and an old t-shirt, my hair pulled back. i could breathe. there was quiet and i enjoyed it.
i started to like who i am, even. started believing that i deserve good things, then started giving them to myself.


i spent a day teaching myself how to make homemade bread. i put on my lipstick and a daylight coloured shirt. i mixed the thick dough with my hands, turning and folding. i learned what eggwash does, and what the hell kneading is. i felt like my mama. i remembered her singing while making dinner, "theres a saying old, says that love is blind..." she smiled while she mixed "still we're often told 'seek and ye shall find'..." it was the first i ever heard her sing. she seemed to be in her own world, and was radiating sunshine today. i couldn't bare to intrude so i kept quiet and let her be.
with that thought, i sunk down on the kitchen floor and let tears roll down my face. but i still heard her voice in my head "you just cry, baby girl. for as long as you need to." so i held my knees and cried harder, grateful for an empty house and the length of time it takes dough to rise.


i found myself with my dearest little cousins. all it took was a curly haired three year old to run up and hug my leg for my heart to be full. a nine year old to get in a cake fight with to laugh uncontrollably. two four year olds to drag me around by my index fingers to know that i love my cousins more than hearts have the capacity to contain. and a laughing one year old to know that you are as free and alive as you believe yourself to be.