be candid.

 life can be funny.

 in one moment...one.

everything can change.

hes leaving. just my luck, right?

i count how many days left each morning. morbid.

as if a few more days will sneak out of the refrigerator (where things magically appear if you spend enough time looking) and i'll get more time with him.

out for ice cream; laughing, smiling. then WHAM he reminds me the number of days, dismal as ever. it sounds like a lot less time when he says it. i was a little shocked, who knew? all my life i've thought numbers had a higher value than they actually do. 

a friend changed the subject, i tried not to think about it.

i suppose i shouldn't be so upset, i've known from the beginning he would leave.

i want us to last so badly. but i don't think the odds are in my favor.

so when it was time to say goodbye that night i couldn't help but cry.

i wanted to tell him how much i love him. i wanted to ask him not to leave.

but i didn't.
i could already hear him in my mind "but i have to"

i held him close, said goodnight and went inside. trying my hardest not to look back.

he would be waiting there for me to turn around and run back into his arms, like every other night.

i closed the door and leaned against it as my legs slowly gave away underneath me.
maybe i should have turned around.

maybe i should have told him how much i love him.

maybe i would never have lost people that i loved if i had asked them not to leave  when they did.

like i wanted to.

but then again...

they probably would have left anyways