Monday, May 31

i lay in my bathtub with a soft blanket.
have you ever slept in your bathtub? i find it comforting.
clutching my ipod to my chest, i struggle to calm my breathing.
breathe in.
breathe out.
Madison saves me. we grow, she says. people change and adapt.
your only growing into a better person. anyone who can't see that doesn't deserve to witness it.
i look out the window. through the trees i see stars.
its okay, lexi. its okay.
Nate saves me. the sound of his voice calms me down. he lets me talk, he lets me cry.
 we think of happier times, share five favorite memories with eachother.

one: the winter my parents helped us build a huge snow slide and fort. we spent all day on them.
dad made the slide taller than him. mom made the fort detailed, we kept drinks in it.
it felt nice to be doing something together, to be laughing together.
two: sitting with my grandpa all day after being hit by a bicycle and dragged down a hill, i lost all the skin on my legs. i couldn't stop swinging my legs even though it hurt but i enjoyed sitting there with grandpa.
he showed me his stamp and coin collections. something, he said, he shared with few. that made me special.
three: codyface friday.
four: idaho.
five: living at my grandparents house and being best friends with my sister.
the two of us were thick as thieves, i miss that.

you know what i miss?
i miss someone to leave the light on for me. i miss someone to care if i get home safely.
i miss the boy, i miss the boy a hundred times more than i can't explain.
i miss the hugs. i miss the laughs. i miss knowing in every ounce of my being that i was loved.

mom says even the people who love you can stop wanting you, thats life.
steffany says everything happens for a reason.
martin says my struggles always make me stronger, i'll grow.
tasmyne never says anything, only hugs.
christina cries with me, then we run.

i visit the windmills often.
somehow they lift my troubles from my chest and send them sweeping through the air.
madison said all the strength inside of me is my own. not from anyone else, from me.
mine and nate's spot. you can see the whole city and across the lake. i sit there also.
i think; each memory stings like gripping a hot curling iron.
i shut my eyes tighter. forget, forget, forget. thats what helps.
i want to forget.

H&M come with me to a bridge after dark.
lets jump, we say.
we toss off our clothes and make our way to the middle.
a seemingly never ending stream of cars pass, lights exposing us.
i forgot i am afraid of heights. i hold madisons hand.
1,2,3. jump.
butterflies in your stomach transform into a bird.
for a short forever moment i am falling through the air.
a flock of birds rush up from your toes through your body.
you hit the water.

back at the house i wash off in the shower.
no more tears, i'm okay.
i lay down, the water splashing all around me.
i love you. i miss you. i'm sorry.
i'll be fine, you'll be fine.
do you remember what you used to tell me?
everything is going to be okay.
and it will.

nate: i'm home finally.

me too.

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