Monday, March 15

"life is good on wednesdays." those are the words i caught myself telling a girl in science class.
i adore that girl.
Tas and I often pick up some breakfast and hot cocoa on wednesday mornings.
i adore that girl.
there always happens to be just a little more time to get ready on wednesdays.
a little more time to let the hot water roll down your back in the shower
we head back to her house around lunch and serve the boys and girls some food. i play with the dog.
i adore that dog.
my eyes are pinned to the clock all period.
"in twenty minutes there is only a half hour left of class"
"so there is 50 minutes left?"
"yeah. i was trying to think positively."
i tend to do this last period of the day.

i remember those words. "lost.lost.lost" out in the desert watching a meteor shower.
"no more skipping class, alright?" she says more seriously. one of those times you sink down into your skin.
i wish i was a turtle.
a sea turtle maybe. maybe i was one in another life? the way i swim i'd believe it.
"i don't mean to walk around half dead." its one of those things burnt into my mind. it plays every now and again and i'm immediately filled with guilt. i really wish i'd never said that.
"i hate it when she cries. she does it a lot but its still horrible. worst.thing.ever."

"are you done with your quiz?"

later we drive home with the windows down.
there is something i really like about that.
the simple joy of the wind through my hair. the bright sun beating down on my pale face.
i smile up at the sky. "hello, sun." i'd like to say. it's been a long winter.
the CD forever stuck in the music player tells me again and again "i've got my love to keep me warm"
we always smile at this. "at least its a good one" we laugh.
later it reminds me of you. "i've got a crush on you." do you remember that night? of course not.
thats when i shut it off.

"in ten minutes there is only a half hour left"

its okay when i do. conversation is always in full supply.
other times we listen to the quiet whispers rolling through the wind.
i walk through my creaky door. everything in our house is creaky.
i wonder how many times i've walked through that door. hundreds? thousands.
i wonder if there are still fish swimming in that pond.
i wonder if there is anything in the fridge.
it rarely matters. not on wednesdays at least.

"half hour. in fifteen minutes there is only fifteen minutes left"
i raise my hand squinting at the power point
"this all looks like a foreign language to me. should i write it in my notes anyways?
because thats why i never use my notes.
i don't understand half of whats in there and didn't when i wrote it"
"you'll understand it later. just write it on your paper."
"even though i don't understand it?"

"your darling. the way you accept the world with open eyes."
"i didn't realize that i do that.."
"perhaps thats what makes it so fascinating."

"i believe in this much." she shows with her hands.
"i feel like religion only teaches this much." she says making a smaller circle.

"today is a good day, lexi. i can feel it. i'm violet today.
do you ever describe your mood in colors?"

the sea has wings. i've fallen in love with that. what a beautiful title for a book.
i could be a bird..
i'd like to kiss a sea lion sometime in my life. i saw one today in a film.
i'd really like to hug it but i wouldn't want to hurt it.
i'll kiss it.
i remember the words from the film "these creatures have no natural predator and fear no man."
can you imagine?

"i want to ride a whale."
"i saw a film about that. have you seen it?"
"no. is it a true story?"
"i'd like to think so. but.. well, no. i guess its not."
the sun. i love the sun on wednesdays.
even when it doesn't shine. i know that somewhere behind the clouds its there.
"I get too ahead of myself, tas." i do. i always do. i think i'm much older than i really am.
i always hear her voice in frustration when i'm blue  "sometimes i just get so down!" 
"scream!" she tells me. "let it out! you'll feel better. do it, lexi. forget if anyone is watching. scream! do it! i'll scream with you!"
shes right. it always makes you feel a little bit better.

"five minutes."
i wish i could bottle my wednesdays, you know?
like i wish i could bottle happiness and bottle sunshine.
sometimes i feel my hopes bursting from me. as if my dreams are too big to be contained in such a small space. like a light, seeping out my ears and fingers and toes.
i like that. my lexi light.
those are the days when i smile all through the halls. i smile all through class. when i feel a light bursting from me. leaking out every pore.
it feels good to just smile. just because.
i wish i could bottle that feeling. i wish i could bottle my wednesday perspective.
'Humanity I love you because when you're hard up you pawn your intelligence to buy a drink.'

"hey, schroeppel. class is over."
i really need to start paying attention.


  1. I love you so much right now.
    I adore you, Lexi.
    Thank you, for remembering.
    Thank you, for listening.
    Thank you, for seeing what other people blindly walk away from.
    I adore you, Lexi.

  2. Oh lexi, you are so amazingly brilliant :)