Sunday, January 17


i feel it.
from the tip of my head clear down to every little freezing toe.
im just weary, im just weary.
deep blue, the deepest color of blue.

it piles up. piles up so high i can't breathe.
trapped underneath all these piles.
years and years and years and years. over and over again. why?
it shouldn't be this way, not this way.
not again, not again, not again.
i just throw things, whatever i can. throw it.
scream. cry. scream. cry.
"no! no! no! no! no!" pounding my fists into my pillow.

things slow down.
im falling, falling into the darkness.
its this under water feeling. numbness. the water.. no light this time.
no breathing, no feelings, no thoughts. i'll sleep forever.
pull my blanket over my head and hide. if i don't cry, it didn't happen.
none of it. don't cry, don't cry, don't cry.

so terrified. everytime my phone goes off, i panic. everytime it doesn't, i panic.
the light in the hallway turns off. i can't breathe, i can't breathe, i can't breathe.
laying in that bed, i never want to get out.
my back against the walls, i pull the blanket closer closer closer.
never make a sound.
playing over and over through my mind.
never make a sound.

don't think about it. don't don't.
my mind is the after effects of a tornado.
my mind is new orleans after katrina.
don't think about it. don't don't.

no running away this time.
deal with it. deal with it. deal with it. make it go away, don't let it happen again.
i need to be alone. im the only person i can trust not to hurt me.

i need to sleep. i'll just sleep..

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