Wednesday, December 30

naked fear is at a zero.

this pukey feeling soaks through me. what is that smell? disgusting. the lingering scent of refried beans and hamburger meat- "cheap hamburger meat" apparently, not that you'd know the difference while eating it.
looking down at my hands "you, my friends, need to be painted." who actually cares if my nails are painted?
 i mean, really.
shit, i miss martin. if he was here he would have told me those words.
i need him. he lets me know when i have a stick up my ass.
i don't say what i want enough, i want to allow myself to speak freely.
say what is truly on your mind. alrriiiiiggghhht, go.
what have i learned about myself today?
i have noooo idea how to help people, but i try anyways.
naked fear is at a zero.
I am the girl i am when im with martin.
just two kids, sitting underneath a willow tree all those summer nights.
two 10 year olds in swimming pools.
"go under the water."
"just do it. keep your eyes closed."

"did you just kiss me?"
"nope. i pinched your lips."
"you kissed me! i opened my eyes and i saw it!"
"well if someone kissed you it wasn't me. i pinched your lips."
he still doesn't believe i kissed him. how rude of me! our first kiss and i lied to him.
shit, i miss martin.
he'd tell me im developing a pottymouth. ehh, bare with me. it'll pass.
i layed in the middle of my driveway, i needed air.
the neighbors probably think im insane. i don't care. i'm 87% sure the majority of them have seen me naked anyways.
that would have made martin laugh, even on a bad day.
he says i'm a bird. the greatest compliment i've ever recieved.
he said i remind him of a baby bird learning to fly. they have to leap from the nest way up in that tree. the odds are against them, if they can't fly they will hit the ground and most likely die.. but they try anyways.
not because they are brave or daring. not because of stupidity. not to prove anything.
its because they really believe they can fly.
for years he has seen me jump from the nest. there are times when i do fall, and times when i fly.
but no matter how many times i fall it never stops me from trying to fly.
he hopes i will always be this bird, the one that never stops trying to fly.
shit, i miss martin.
he calls me Alexis. nobody else calls me that.
i think of us at our little chinese restaurant, we call it what we want.
remember that time you told people you were dead? that was a stupid idea.
even when people knew you weren't dead you still kept at it. martin aint dead.
the regular: "i want you to know your a dumbass. but i suppose we can still be friends."
comes right next to: "im going to hang up on you now because i think you've gone insane."
wish we had breakfast together. i bought a box of candycanes for you, when you get back we'll watch elf a hundred times, eating them and spraying apples & cinnamon air fresheners. make our own holiday.
though i still think its cheating to celebrate christmas if you don't believe in jesus.
your my very best friend.
you once told me that every star up in the sky was watching over me.
they're watching over you too.
i really miss you.

No comments:

Post a Comment